Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The View is a festering bowl of diarrhea

The left 3/4 of this table should be reduced to a pile of ash by a renegade meteorite
Every woman to ever hold a seat on The View, except Elisabeth Hasselbeck, ought to be put to sleep. Who honestly wants to watch a bunch of irritating women cluck about nothing around a table for an hour. Talk about a waste of time.

This show's only saving grace is Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Her beauty and conservative values keep the show from spiraling into a wrinkly, communist ball of ugly oblivion. And don't let the producers fool you by saying she is on the show for the sake of equal arguments. The poor woman gets beaten to a pulp every weekday by the three snarling bitches on the opposite end of the table. No such equality in representation of opinions exists on this show. That is until Bill O'Reilly's frequent visits occur. Then he just observes the ensuing chaos, as the women squawk about something he said like a bunch of dying macaws. In short, God Bless you Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

What's hilarious to me, is how the show continues to find someone more annoying to sit at the far left of the table. You thought Star Jones' Jupiter sized self was irritating? The View smacks you in the face with a huge helping of "aw crap" and puts Rosie O'Donnell on the show. Dear Lord. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than a fat, bitter, freedom-hating lesbian, woops looks like you're wrong again. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the raspy voiced star of the Sister Act: Whoopi Goldberg. Kill me.

If you can manage to get past whoever's on that end of the table, and Barbra Walter's speech impediment, prepare yourselves for the one and only (Thank God there's only one) Joy Behar. Joy Behar is like Satan was incarnated and then beaten hundreds on times in the face with a mallet, thus robbing him of any cleverness, slyness, or ability to tempt people to doing what he wants. Throw in a grating New York accent, and you've got Behar. Besides her excruciating liberalism and annoying demeanor, she's just always picking on poor Elisabeth, and gets away with it cause she's got two other hens backing her up. I don't want to watch that.

The View is the complete opposite of good TV. It could be used as a replacement for waterboarding on enemies of the US Government. Now you know what would be good TV? If during an episode, Yoda was to descend from the sky and proceed to hack each member of the view into various pieces. Rosie O'Donnell would come out in the form of a Rancor (if you don't know what a Rancor is, it's what Luke fights in Jabba's palace during Return of the Jedi), before being quickly dispatched by Yoda as well. Yoda would then take Hasselbeck in his arms and after saying, "Judge me by my size do you?" he would wisk her off to safety. Now that I could watch.

Screw the View.

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